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Sunday, May 25, 2008 ~ 9:11 AM

There are times I feel like crying and say '' I can't go on anymore..''

I can't say I have a bad life all these years.

A little different. Yes I agree.

My family isn't wealthy , but I haven't experienced poverty.

In fact , I might be more blessed than many people.

If so, why am I sad?

I have high hopes placed upon me.

Yes. High hopes. High up in the sky.

I haven't dissappointed her so far.

Have I?

Everytime when I think of failures, I thought of you.

And I will try my very best to avoid failing.

But as time passes. Things get harder.

I don't have a chance to fail. I can't.

I told a friend not to be too upset by comparisons.

Now I ask myself.

'' Can you practise what you preach?''

Yes. I am surrounded by amazing people.

My relatives. My cousins. Everyone.

Why compare me with them?

I am not as outstanding as them.

Sometimes I feel life is so unfair.

Why can't I have everything other people have?

I shouldn't say this. I know I shouldn't.

There are alot more people leading miserable lives.

But I just can't stop myself.

Sometimes, I believe I am alot better than others.

But I couldn't go as far due to my restraints.

I know it isn't your fault.

But I am really tired.

Have you ever wondered how hard it was.

To perform as well as people who have alot more than you?

I used to say.

I swear that I will show you successes don't only belong to the rich.

Now I ask.

Can I?

Because I am truly exhausted.

I am tired of being alone.

All of you know me.

But none of you understand me.

But I can't.

Saturday, May 24, 2008 ~ 10:37 AM

Nothing But The Truth.

I don't care how the whole world feels about you.

Love doesn't blind me and this is for you.

You are beautiful,intelligent,do believe in me.

Forever I will remain truthful to you.

Comparison hurts , I know , dear angel.

But please remember,you are always perfect to me.

Friday, May 23, 2008 ~ 8:03 AM

Thank You Mum..

I am sure all of you have heard about the recent devasting earthquake in China. I received this touching story recently and thought I should share it with all of you.

母爱

四川大地震摧毁了无数个美满幸福的家庭，在这场大灾难中，有人抱着亲人等候死神的来临，更有无数的舍身救人的感人故事。

在其中一个灾场，抢救人员在废墟中发现一名女子，双手扶着地支撑身体，救援人员确认她已死亡。准备转移到下一个建筑物时，救援队长有所发现，他费力把手伸进死者下搜索，摸了几下高声叫喊：有人！有个孩子，还活着！！

经过一番努力，将压着她的东西清理后，见她身下有一张红色带黄花的被子，包着一名三个月大的男婴。

孩子安详的睡这。因为母亲的身体保护，孩子没有受伤还安详的睡着。随行医生解开被子替男婴检查，发现有一部手机赛在里面，医生下意识看了手机屏幕，见到母亲留给孩子的短讯：亲爱的宝贝，如果你能活着，一定要记住我爱你。

After reading this message, I was deeply moved and almost teared. It reminded me of how much my mum have done for me and I promise I will never let her down.

This message also answered one of the unsolved question I always had.

All this while , I have often been wondering what makes human so different from animals. Wisdom? Not necessarily, it cannot be denied that some animals possesses knowledge far beyond us. After pondering over this question for a long period of time, I came to a conclusion. Love. Unlike animals , we do not simply mate with one another for offsprings. We search far and wide for our other halves , believing that true love will bring our destined one to us. We, unlike animals, do not eat our family members even though we might be starving. We know how to love one another. Doesn't this make us different from them?

However , after meeting a girl in AJC, Siowyun, my beliefs have been shaken. According to her , the love that Man are so proud of , proclaiming it to be the reason we are different from animals are merely the effects our hormones have on us. Hormones? Does this mean that our love is controlled by hormones and not the way we feel? Is love really not noble at all , just an effect that are caused by the needs of our physical shell? If so , what is there to be proud of? Siowyun. You really affected me alot.

However, after reading the message above, I am extremely glad that hormones are not the sole reason behind the love we have with other people. Why? Our body , is created in a way that we will always protect ourselves. Our brain is programmed in a way that we will always put our safety as our greatest priority and our natural reaction in the face of danger would be to escape and save ourselves. However , this mother here , sacrificed her life for her son. Now , does it really show that our love is determined by our physical selves? Not anymore.

I told myself to control myself.

Yet I find myself looking out for her.

I don't like the idea of paying so much attention to her.

Even though she probably have no idea that I do.

Its a paradox.

A painful one.

To keep my feelings for her a secret.

Even though my heart is wishing for her to know.

Thursday, May 15, 2008 ~ 4:03 AM

If Only You Knew..

Life have been stupid recently. I can't believe I actually broke a pipette and drived the sharp edge right into my index finger 2 days ago. Ow. Jc isn't sweet. I failed every single test I took except for GP and Chinese. Practically. PCMEPE. Know whats that? Its physics chemistry maths economics and physical education. Yes. Physical education. I flunked that too. I just don't understand why I just keep dozing off during lectures. Eating sweets doesn't help either. God. I am killing myself. Percussion might be having a mass camp in Hanwei The Harmless' condo tomorrow. And I bought myself a new watch. This post is very random but I am just being so.

I couldn't live without you.

Friday, May 9, 2008 ~ 8:52 AM

Unprecedented.

Okay , I know I am pretty slow in updating this, but if you're a J1 in AJC, you will probably understand the reasons behind such inefficiency. But , let's get straight to the point.

The Anderson Chinese Orchestra Concert is officially over!

I would say that the concert was a great success , though I would have to admit I marred it a little as I made countless mistakes throughout the concert.

I have reasons to celebrate and mourn at the same time. The concert's success is something worth to be proud and happy for, but at the same time , our seniors' departure is definitely melancholic.

So this is for the despirited J1s who are upset by their seniors' departure , and the enthusiastic J2s who are sad as they are departing.

We shan't be sad that everything is over.

But glad, because..

everything happened.

Millions of thanks to all the J2s , my dearest percussion ( look Jezebel , its an adjective.) , all the teachers in charge and although I hate to say this, our conductor. I am not finished yet , I am only thanking him for his critisms , which made me relooked at my standards and asked my seniors for help to correct them. These people , except Snape (duh) , encouraged me and taught me how to improve and I am greatly thankful for these.

And here's what I have to say to Percussion. In order to counter the complaints that I will no doubt receive from Celest and Jezabel if I didn't write about them first, ( I am taking precautions in advance) I will go according to Alphabetical order. Due to my limited vocabulary , please ignore the countless repetitions of several words.

To Celest: You are very lame Celest. Perhaps one of the greatest lamers I have ever witnessed in my life. I think that you're the reason for the word. But I have to admit that you are super creative and innovative. You can come up with arguments , scoldings ( Bunny Demon and the B1 , 2 and 3s) and actions ( Sebbie Cheer) that are not undertaken by mankind. For this , you have my greatest respect.

Okay la. Enough of suaning you. I really thank you for helping me so much since I joined C.O. Teaching me how to play certain songs and which parts to focus on. Scolding snape for me for as long as I can remember. You're really a caring and nice senior. Thank you so much =] By the way , I don't speak to Kenneth differently because I am a gay okay. It is because he told me that you girls are allowed to suan him because he won't hit girls when I was suanning him one time. This reply make me reconsider my policy of suanning my seniors. So you cannot blame me for not suanning him.

To Hanwei : Hanwei! Still remembered I told everyone you're the most harmless senior? I meant that you're super nice. ^^ Thank you for helping me so much when I was practising 阿瓦山 , such as giving me beats , telling me which notes to play, who to look out for when I am lost in the song and practising with me for countless times with admirable patience. Thank you so much for helping me! I promise I won't scare you with bugs next time okay? =p

To Jezabel : Jezi mum! I still remembered how you introduced yourself as Pig when I first met you and the others. Indeed an outstanding but stupid move. =x Lols I have to thank you for like so many things. So I will do it in point form.

Thanks for

- Supporting me when I came for the interview for the appeal.

- Cheering for me after I finished playing 龙腾虎跃 in front of snape.

- Helping me when I was first asked to sight read 石板姚鼓. (Ignore the wrong chinese characters!)

- Scolding Snape for me when I was utterly humiliated by him for the first time.

- Scolding Snape for me for the rest of the time when I am in CO.

- Practising and teaching me.

- Defended me from B1 lol.

You're one of my lamest seniors lah! Continue singing weird parodies and doing ur squid-like hand signs! You rock! xD

To Kenneth : Kenneth! Percussion's sacrificial lamb! After being in percussion for quite a period of time , I can finally understand why you behave eccentrically at some times. I admire your courage and resilience in your one on seven battle in percussion. You have to deal with Shawn's impressive skills and Celest's crap at the same timef or 1 whole year. This is no ordinary feat as I have also tasted Celest's crap before which often makes me wonder if I would prefer to have my head decapitated. Also I have to thank you for countless stuff. You have really taught me alot since I entered percussion. Almost every single song I performed in the concert was under you and Shawn's guidance. I am really appreciative for your advice on how to play the tubular bells loudly and properly. You are a great senior Kenneth , thank you so much.

To Shawn : Shawn. You have really changed my impression of girls. You are so talented in percussion that your skills, taifeng and sightread impresses me everytime. It's no wonder why Snape never scolded you in his life. I couldn't think of a reason to scold someone as good as you too. Unless he want to scold you for announcing to the whole word you farted. By the way , I couldn't emphasize enough that I am not underestimationg girls. I always knew that girls could be good in percussion. It is just that your skills are beyond an average human being and that was why I am so astounded and surprised when I saw you play for the first time.

Also I want to thank you for teaching me so much ever since I entered percussion such as 龙腾虎跃 , 滚荷桃，拉特 and many many more. I really benefitted alot from the things you have taught me. Thank for being such a nice and caring senior too. =]

To Sihui: Hello Egyptian! I can't remember the name Celest gave you. I am not as creative as her so please make do with egyptian for the time being. Your default face is seriously so cool. But please be careful because our society is not really used to seeing someone smiling at nothing. Thank you for always helping me out too! Such as counting paizi for me and loads of stuff. You rock! But I noted that it is harder to strike a conversation with you because you are always in your own world wearing your default face. ^^

To Xi En : Yorhs Xi En! hmmx , you are really hard to describe. Sometimes you appear to be perfectly normal , and yet sometimes you look definitely insane. I have to thank you for always scolding snape for me as well and also always giving me useful tips and advices on how I can play my songs. I am really grateful for the help you have rendered me when I was having difficulties. Thank you so much and I wish you and KuanChew everlasting happiness and 早生贵子.

I also have to thank my J1 percussion mates for always helping me as well.

To June: June! You are so nice can! Thank you for always encouraging me whenever I am feeling stressed and down. I am really grateful to have a friend like you. But you have to stop having a low confidence on yourself kay? I noticed that you often have great confidence in people around you , which makes them feel encouraged and love talking to you , but you always have a low confidence on yourself. You have to believe that you are as good as your friends because you definitely are!

To Siowyun : Siowyun! Ahahahas, I don't know if I should thank you for always helping me or suan you for suanning me every single day. You are really weird lah. You suan people for no reason de lor. lol. But I really have to thank you for loads of stuff. I am still grateful and remember that you offered to lend me your notes when I mentioned to you that I wasn't in Anderson during the first intake and was often absent. Thank you so much for helping me in my studies too. You;re a great friend to have =]

To Sharleen : Sharleen! I realised I speak to you less than anyone lor. You're like always in a different state of mind from me and you are always in your own world lor. But nevermind! We still got 1 whole year ^^ I would also like to thank you for saying nice stuff always too! =]

Okay , this thanking session took me more than 1 hour. Now you guys understand why I have to make sure that I am very free before I can blog.

Recently, I experienced something unprecedented. I realised that I am thinking of her most of the time- the things she does , the conversations we had , and the stuff she told me. Sometimes , I find myself involuntarily doing what she told me to do. Everytime I see her , I will feel strangely happy. But now it changed. Perhaps because I know where is this leading to. Everytime I see her now , I feel a sense of longing that I know will never be satisfied. Even when I am just beside her , I feel strangely distanced from her. I no longer feel that euphoria I had whenever I see her because I know what I am hoping for is impossible. I even find behaving foolishly such as staring at her blankly. I am not sure if she or anyone noticed. I don't care either. I could easily whip up an excuse that will bring everyone to laughter and they would forget the incident. Hard as I try and tell myself , I still find myself looking at her when she's near and thinking of her when she's far. I know what is happening to me and I hope it doesn't. Nothing good will come out of the impossible.

Sebastian, she's just another friend like the countless others you have. You are just mistaken about your thoughts. Yes. Thats the reason.

Failure is success if we learn from it.
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

I am your listening ear when you need it.
I am the shoulder for you to cry on.
I am the one who will always support you.
I am the one who worries when you are blue.
I am the one who promised not to make you cry.
I am the guy who would cry with you.
I am the person who will wipe your tears for you.
I am the jester when you need a smile.
I am the teacher who would reprimand when you're wrong.
I am the friend who reprimands with pain.
I am the first to smile when you see your mistakes.
I will never forgive you.
Only because I will never be frustrated with you.
I am Sebastian and I do these because I love you.

Sebastian Wong
Aries
15 April 1991

Kar Mun
Celest
Clarice
Elaine
Francesca
Genevieve
Hanwei
Joshua
Jieying
John
Paulina
Peijin
Peiming
Ruixiang
Shawn
Tricia
Waeting

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